I was listening to Silverchair feeling so awful and fat. I started to think about my dad and how I really didn't have one(I'm all alone...I don't have a real family. My mom is always worried and my dad is awol...). I started to remember about the time I took six asprin...I felt great about myself after it. I decided to take some now.

I walked into the kitchen and was scrambling around already dizzy trying to find the asprin(It's not here..). I looked for about 45 seconds and then found it in the spice cabinet. I grabbed nine from the bottle. I put them in a coffee filter and walked out into the living room and put on Evanescense.

My kitten Noel was very interested in the asprin. She kept sniffing them(note: she must have a drug problem or something, earlier she was trying to sniff glue)and I pulled them away in fear that she might try to eat one. I took them one by one. As early as pill number 2 I started to feel sick. But I dealt with it and kept on(you have to do this, it can numb the pain, you will feel better). I got to where I had drowned seven before I stopped for a moment. I wasn't sure if I could go on, I felt like I was going to puke(note: since I'm sick I've been feeling like that for awhile, but I could actually FEEL it at this point). I went to the bathroom. While in there I looked at my stomach. It was bulging out...I felt like a cow. I needed to spit in the sink. I could barely stand up, I actually never got all the way up(you can't even stand up--how pathetic). I walked out into the living room and took one more.

I had one more pill still in my hand. I still felt like I was about to puke(come on! Take this pill! Don't be a whimp). I ended up taking it. It went down smoother than I thought it would. I had to go to the bathroom again.

(I need to cut. I want to cut. I've been wanting to all day let's just do it now. I want to make myself throw up. But if I make myself throw up, all the pills will come back up and I would have done that all for nothing...for NOTHING! No, I can't throw it up.)

(I can't cut and throw it up...I mean, it wouldn't exactly be great putting the fingers on a bloody arm down your throat. The blood go down your throat..that wouldn't exactly be pleasent now would it?).

I continued listening to Evanescense and was thinking about my real dad(I'm just a pathetic whimpy loser, he senses that and he doesn't want to meet me. He doesn't want to get near me or talk to me. I'm not good enough). I started to cry. Later my mom made me take a tylenol pill. If only she knew how many pills I had just taken...

I could smell the asprin in my breath.

I could feel my lips turning cold.

I could feel imaginary blood running down my neck.

My heart is beating so fast right now. I like it.

Diary of the day: soaringwings

backwards and forwards

break - Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003
More Quizzes! - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
reply - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
A Dream Within a Dream - Friday, Oct. 17, 2003
Mom doesn't know what they mean - Sunday, Oct. 12, 2003